I can't believe it's finally here. How crazy. I can't wait till classes begin. I am so excited to be learning some new amazing things.

I feel myself growing internally. and I like it.

Dexter season 3 in now in my possession. :D

can't wait to move...

and to feel alive.

i've been having this weird feeling lately, that i'm scared of being with someone because i'm not sure if i can love the way people always talk about. or that it really is as intense as they say. i think the idea of the disappointment of it not being that great, or just realizing that i can't love like that would be worse then just being alone and sad. being alone sucks, but at least i can still have a bit of hope that its possible and real.

pathetic. literally just got done telling someone i'm over it and i'm not going to start a conversation with him but if he talks to me then cool whatever. but ugh. i saw that he was online on myspace and i wanted to send him a message. i suck. i didn't do it. and i refuse too.
it just sucks that i still want to.
i really thought i was over it.

really stupid vent. i'm so dumbfounded. and it's all going to be ramble jibberish.
except now that i am trying to give my thoughts sentence structure i'm going blank. i'm just going to type.
i just wish i could know his intentions and what kind of person he is more. i have general feelings about people. and i like him and feel comfortable with him. i think that he is a good person and i trust my feeling. i had this totally weird realization as to why i've pushed guys away before though. when i'm around guys who creep me out, i am actually scared of them. and i steer clear of all guys for awhile. i never identified that before now. maybe i should take some sort of self defense class so i would just feel like i wouldn't be able to be taken advantage of. but i mean with that realization it just gave more credit to jeff i think since i've been so comfortable with him and since i'm not retreating at all. it just sucks so incredibly that he is so busy. this really makes me feel doubtful sometimes. i mean i know i over think and think about it constantly practically. but he says things that are so cute and encouraging but we haven't hung out that much. and this is where those thoughts spring up like well does he actually not want to hang out and does he just talk to me out of courtesy but is never planning on seeing me again? i feel like his words and actions contradict. but if he is insanely busy. and obviously not overthinking us as friends like its actually nothing and actually completely fine. I DON'T KNOW. grr. i guess i really believe the latter but all those stupid doubts build up. and its all just me and my stupid mind that cause problems. but i just wish i guess then that he wanted to hang out more when he does have free time. but its hard when that is so limited to make someone want to hang out with you when i'm sure he has other friends that want him to hang out with him and i know how it goes just needing time to chill by yourself. agh.
its going to be what it is going to be and i accept that and am totally fine with that. i just wish i could get my brain to chill out and think about other things.

my rose colored glasses.

I'm not looking for a well crafted answer that is slightly promising but completely vague. just say it like it is.

I wonder if when people look at me, or at my pictures, what they see. And how accurate it is to who I am or how I'm feeling. Sometimes it feels like no one sees me. Its easy being practically invisible. I noticed how if I'm around people who I don't know very well and I say something kind of silly or bold I can feel my face heat up and I'm sure I'm turning red. I don't understand why I blush so much. It really is rather weird and it just adds to my insecurities.

and things constantly chip away at you.

How do you get them to stop and what happens when there is nothing left?

hahaha. what the fuck.

i mean thats fine with me. it takes the pressure off. i guess i just got a little carried away.

i wish i wasn't so ignorant.

i let my mind run free.
now it comes crawling back to stay.
no more adventures it longs to take.
let's stick with reality.

ahhh erm ummm crush. i have one.
i want a fucking christmas miracle.

what happens to me?
i get so lost. i can't concentrate and nothing feels important. i just want to feel something. but my brain won't let me.
there is nothing here.
and i can't even show it.
my brain makes me pretend i'm fine.
i believe it sometimes.
but i am constantly hollow.

and this realization hurts. it is my own fault that i am this way. and there is nothing i can do about it.

i just want inspiration. i want to feel passionate about something. anything.

i am lost.
i can't breathe. i am drowning on land. i can't keep my head above.

and then i even lose this. a calm comes. i am numb. nothing means anything.

People change. obviously. sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not.
i miss the old you. i do still think about you. we both changed. i know that.
i just wish you changed in a good way.
i don't think we could even have a real conversation now.

one thing i always wanted to just scream at the top of my lungs around you, is that there can be so much more wrong in life than just a boy dumping you. gain some perspective please. and just because i've never been dumped doesn't mean that i can't be feeling a little lost.

yes, you did take me for granted. and yes, it's your fault that we aren't friends anymore. maybe i could have done something different but you should never have treated me the way you did. i never tried to hurt anyone. you tried to hurt me. and for awhile it worked. and then i just got over it. and it was just over. i'm sorry. but it is your fault.

you were always telling people to grow the fuck up. i hope you take your own advice. stop being fake. and realize how much more to life that there really is. but i dont really expect that much from you.

One of my first photos developed this semester.
Carina, Alex, and a statue somewhere in downtown Sarasota. <3

 So, my chem lab professor is kind of crazy. I think he often makes up words and today he talked about algebra for the entire class. which is from 1 til 3:30. seriously. we talked about identities and cross multiplying. and today i forgot my sketchbook. so i died for a little while. but a pumpkin spice latte revived me. i developed a print today that has carina and alex in it. its pretty sweet. i'll figure out how to put it on here and then i'll do it. yeah. =D

and omg carina. i deleted circle on accident. =( =( 
when i come up we need to put it back. cause i need it. eddie izzard is fucking amazing.
annnnd you do an amazing impression. for. the. record.

I bought season one and two of dexter today. I've been wanting to, obviously, and I found forty dollars in the parking lot at publx last night. I figure that the universe wanted me to have it. maybe? haha. hopefully i'm not a horrible person who now has karma coming to kick me in the ass. 

Psuedo-birthday party for Bronwyn. family gathering type thing.
fuckoff is not the only thing you have to show.

tired.tired.tired.tired. tomorrow I don't have to work until noon so I am super excited about getting a good night's sleep. 

Holy mind FUCK. 
I just about had a fucking mental breakdown.
It is tuesday september 16th at 7:01 pm. I climbed into bed to take a nap, had to have been around 4:30 pm. 
I woke up at 6:45 pm and assumed it was 6:45 am. This of course is completely irrational, but I swear I feel as though I have slept for hours. It is the weirdest fucking thing ever. So, I get up and try to figure out what the hell is going on. I feel like it should be wednesday morning, so I'm like shit school! But, I'm trying to find some sort of conformation. Ben is in the living room. I ask him what day it is and he says tuesday. the 16th. I feel totally relieved. Then I'm like wait (to myself). No, I worked tuesday morning. That was yesterday. I could clearly remember it. But, the way I was seeing things, if it was tuesday, then I would have worked monday but I had school and I clearly remembered being there, so there was no way that it was tuesday. (i guess pm times do not exist when I'm fucking disoriented.) But so I am freaking out because I look at my phone and it confirms that it is the 16th. I could remember all of tuesday though so it had to be wednesday but everything was telling me that it was indeed the 16th. I thought that I was fucking reliving a day of my life. I was planning on calling starbucks and asking them what day it was, cause if it was tuesday I would have needed to be there again. So, I'm starting to think that I literally am going fucking insane. and I am seriously about to just fall down and cry. and then I see pm on my phone. ADELIE. IS IT TUESDAY NIGHT? yeah? HOLY FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. MIND FUCK. OMFG.

then she says, "Are you on something?!"
"No."

I wish. 


Holy shit.

So... I guess I'm not a complete failure.
The painting is actually coming along pretty nicely now. 
I hate those days when you feel and just are totally and completely useless. 
Carina's mix is done... I think! It makes me very excited. I'm going to test it out tomorrow in the car. Eek! I cannot wait until friday. I am driving up to Sarasota and visiting Carina and meeting all of her awesome friends. I'm going to bring my camera and we shall all be camera nerds for the weekend. =D It is most likely going to be the best thing ever. 
I finished season 3 of Doctor Who! <3 <3 <3 That show is too amazing for words. Season 4 needs to hurry up and be on dvd. I need it. 

School is going good enough. I'm a bit bored here though. I want to be somewhere better. 

Oh well. It'll have to do.

stupid brain.
stupid hands.
stupid paint. 

i am an
over thinking
way too analytical
person who needs to... stop.
urgh. i don't even know if it's fixable.
i'm too sad about it to try and work on it.




ps. carina made this perfect billie piper icon. thanks for existing. <3